35 Funny Tweets That'll Remind You To Live A Little

Author image for Ada Elder
Ada Elder
Aug 2, 2018 4:00 PM EDT

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

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  • 01
    Text - lena kieran @LenaOwnsMe help, my wife got wine drunk and tried to set our marriage certificate on fire, |saying "good luck trying to return me without the receipt"
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  • 02
    Text - Thought I was meowing back to my cat for the past hour but it turns out it was just me and my dad meowing at each other from different rooms in the house
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  • 03
    Text - Angelo @Daddy_Lopez55 There should be a zoo of drunk white people doing stupid shit Tom Schally @TomSchally It's called Florida.
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  • 04
    Text - Jeff Wysaski @pleatedjeans Me: uh oh someone's under the mistletoe! Raccoon I've cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily] 12/15/17, 3:19 PM 15.2K Retweets 50.7K Likes
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  • 05
    Text - A bi gal Babbynotabigail Follow Me: Who needs antidepressants? I'll just listen to Hey Ya by Outkast daily Narrator: But things were not alright alright alright alright 12:26 AM -22 Jul 2017 24,331 Retweets 62,672 Likes
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  • 06
    Text - Rad Kyle @KyleMcDowell86 ME: I need help losing weight. I've tried everything. NARRATOR: He hadn't tried anything at all. Nothing. 21/01/2017, 22:48 1,228 Retweets 3,322 Likes
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  • 07
    Text - Date: What do you do? Me: [holds up menu] you just choose a meal from this book of food
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  • 08
    Cartoon - me: (drinks a milkshake) my lactose intolerance for the 4th time this week: How many times do we have to teach you this lesson, ald man?
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  • 09
    Text - me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
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  • 10
    Text - Taylor Burkhalter @TLBurkhalter I was home for Christmas and my parents cooked a beef tenderloin. I said, "Man, Budapest is going to love this." They asked who Budapest was. I said "I named my stomach Budapest because it's the capital of HUNGRY" and that's when they stopped calling me son
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  • 11
    Text - MJ @mollyjemson u ever meet someone who is just the human form of crumbs in the bed
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  • 12
    Hair - bob saget @bobsaget I know my daughter looks exactly like me with a wig...ou can stop sending me this shit LION 7/21/18, 10:21 AM
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  • 13
    Text - no @tbhjuststop my morning routine includes 20 minutes of staring at the ceiling thinking about how tired I am and debating if I really need to live today
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  • 14
    Frog - putting cucumbers in ur water wont offset the fact that u chugged 8 vodka sprites in under 30 minutes last night susan
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  • 15
    Text - Katie Messina @MessinaKatie The lady next to me at the nail salon got too drunk on mimosas and made her husband leave work to come pick her up and he just walked in and goes "seriously Lisa it's a Monday" and then she ordered another one for the ride home and it was a beautiful moment really
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  • 16
    Face - lucas better keep his little mouth shut LUCAS (knows what you did
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  • 17
    Text - High school teachers: "Your college profs aren't going to be as lenient as we are" College profs: "Sorry I'm late I didn't want to come"
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  • 18
    Sitting - Soysauce Shawty @SoysauceShawty Follow When he stops cuddling u & sleeps facing the other way RETWEETS LIKES 20,955 40,769
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  • 19
    Text - keelye shaye @KeelyeShaye New drinking game grab your high school year book and take a shot for every person who has had a kid or an engagement
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  • 20
    Text - Put two sugars in my coffee, a normal amount in my opinion, and some woman goes 'do you want some coffee with your sweetener'. I don't know Janet would like a headbutt with that banter?
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  • 21
    Text - Alex Olshansky @atosoccer Ran into a casual high school acquaintance I haven't seen in 10 years on NYC streets. Without saying a word she gives me high five and keeps walking. Be like her.
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  • 22
    Product - My dumbass thought this was an extra long lens moon @MOONEMOTICON my best camera angle
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  • 23
    Text - jess @themajesstic they say the body is a temple... what I got is more of a bouncy castle 7/22/18, 3:49 PM
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  • 24
    Text - *job interview* Wonka: Any questions? Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
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  • 25
    Text - Av @Dazkys me emailing my professor after not doing yet another assignment @cher Cher Hi again
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  • 26
    Text - Abbie @AbbieEvansXO Me: please just one more wish Genie: no, I said 3 Me: please Genie: no Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
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  • 27
    Text - b-a-b-y baby @lazymodel My social anxiety works hard but my constant need for attention and validation works harder 7/30/18, 5:08 PM
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  • 28
    Text - Jon @ArfMeasures [Phone] Boss: You haven't been in work all week! Me: I've told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons Boss *gritted teeth* and l've told you, "sharks" is not a religion
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  • 29
    Text - new mum: "you can play with the baby but keep it light hearted nothing too scary something that won't leave II mental scars" every grandad on earth: "im gonna pretend i took his nose off"
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  • 30
    Text - McKenna Price @kenn_ahh So today I got tipped 78 cents on a $125 bill and l actually ran after the guys and gave them the change back and said "You need this more than me apparently"
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  • 31
    Text - nahal @nahalball I am filling out my 2018-2019 planner today. If you have any hopes of seeing me this next academic year, Isuggest requesting dates as far in advance as possible. Slots are filling up. Mental breakdowns are being scheduled. Color coded Next available social date: Error 404
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  • 32
    Text - Babies Daddy @dshack8 Wife's outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won't purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should've hired someone to wash the windows.
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  • 33
    Jeans - come get y'all joots VERSACE @Versace #JenniferLopez wearing a pair of denim boots from the #VersaceResort19 collection. #VersaceCelebrities Versace.com 7/31/18 6:20 PM.
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  • 34
    Text - PAPERBEATSSCISSORS! verfred @paperbeatstweet spam calls in 1998: hey my name is daniel would you like to buy a subscription to readers digest? spam calls in 2018: THE IRS AND THE FBI HAVE ISSUED A JOINT WARRANT FOR YOUR ARREST YOU ARE BEING SOUGHT IN CONNECTION TO MANY CRIMES
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  • 35
    Technology - ruckin @ruckin_ nail salon gonna be lit. Dean Takahashi @deantak Google Pixel Buds for $159 can translate 40 languages in real-time in your ear. The Babel Fish is here. #madebygoogl
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